The B-Log

Who likes to work anyway?

Dear Mister B.,

Sarkozy is so crazy, no?, moving retirement to 62.We like to drink the wine and make the party, not have the work! Putain! It is good we make strike, yes?

Gentle Gallic Whiners,

Excuse my French (and the pun), but it is no big “effing” deal. The rest of the world thanks you, quite sincerely, for your contributions to the culinary arts, aesthetics and horizontally-striped sartorial options, but in a time of global economic crisis, your president raising the retirement age from sixty to sixty-two is no cause to shut down your nation’s economy and ignite its diminutive automobiles in anger.

Consider the austerity measures being implemented by your neighbors. The United Kingdom is considering laying off vast swaths of government workers, drastically cutting welfare benefits, and raising the pension age to sixty-six. In an entirely different cultural milieu from your own, the Germans have kept their retirement age stable at one hundred and twelve years old; long years of labor notwithstanding, they must chain retirees in a leisure environment to keep them from returning to work. 

The point, my carbohydrate-consuming friends, is that life is not so very bad. Mister B. recommends sipping a nice cabernet, munching some brie, and resigning yourselves to the two extra years of thirty-five hour works weeks with at least five government-mandated weeks of vacation per year. C’est la vie.

What if she can’t remember the Constitution?

Dear Mister B.,

I am the Tea Party’s candidate for the Delaware Senate seat, and I have been criticized over the past few days for comments I made about the U.S. Constitution, specifically regarding the separation of church and state, during a debate. I’m pretty sure I have read the document at some point, but there’s so darn many amendments who can keep them all straight?! Is it wrong of me, as some have suggested, to run for public office and present myself as a Constitutional scholar when I can’t remember amendments that apply directly to issues at the core of my campaign and amendments that protect our most basic freedoms as U.S. citizens?

Gentle (former, perhaps) Wiccan (former, definitely) Senate hopeful,

Dear girl, the only fault you have shown in this case is allowing yourself to fall victim to the media’s smear campaign. I saw those nasty things Anderson Cooper said about your knowledge of the Constitution—proof positive of a widespread left-wing conspiracy.

I detect behind your sad case the exact same blueprint as the liberal elitist plot that undid that darling Sarah Palin’s bid for President (it was for President, I believe) in 2008. Do you recall Katie Couric grilling her about such inane topics as which “newspapers and magazines” she “regularly read”? Dear me!

Again, we have a case of bookish liberal politicians expecting everyone to have read all sorts of current news sources and archaic texts that may or, more likely, may not apply to the political reality of the modern day. I am wholeheartedly in support of your oft-repeated promise to defend the Constitution with your every action in office, but not if it means reading the whole thing.

Please rest easily knowing that you have committed no breach of political etiquette. It is a time-honored political tradition—for all parties—to be entirely ignorant of the principles on which the country is founded while professing to defend them from unconscionable attacks by the opposing party.     

Is his foul play abuse of power?

Dear Mister B.,

I have a question about sports etiquette for you. I am the leader of a South American country, and I recently kneed an opposing player in the testicles as retaliation for a foul he committed against me. He was expelled from the game, but I was not. Is this considered an abuse of power or privilege? If so, how can I rectify the situation?

Gentle Presidential Footballer,

I classify this occurrence as the use of power rather than the abuse of power. As a democratically elected leader, you have a clear mandate from the populace to knee your opponents (athletic or political) in the groin as frequently and forcefully as you please, without being subject to the fear of repercussions.

In accepting a role in a competitive sporting event with a powerful leader such as you, all participants tacitly agree to have their reproductive organs crushed without recourse. Honestly, can you imagine someone giving Stalin a red card?

The point here is that etiquette dictates you can do as you darn well please. Mister B. suspects, based on your wardrobe choices entirely unbecoming of your office, that you have already divined this principle. Now, run with it.

Firefighters let his house burn down. How should he respond?

Dear Mister B.,

I have a question about the correct etiquette when the fire department watches your house burn down over an unpaid $75 fee. I recently found myself in this situation and was not sure of the appropriate action to take. I offered the pay the firefighters whatever they wanted in order to save my house (which they had plenty of time to do), but they refused because, according to the regulations, the fee has to be paid in advance to receive fire protection. Was I wrong to ask for their help when I already knew the rules?

Gentle Owner of Smoldering Ash Pile,

Of course you were wrong. Did you really think you could bend the rules by not paying the appropriate municipal fire protection fee in advance? Did you truly plan just to say, “Oops, my house is on fire and there are firefighters with fire trucks here, so they might as well put it out while they are sitting around”? Please.

Those men demonstrated the characteristic bravery of firefighters by adhering to the regulations in a situation where lesser individuals might have given in to the popular sentimentalism of “pity” or “compassion” or “common sense” and used their firefighting equipment to put out the blaze. Furthermore, shame on you for promoting the culture of irresponsibility that runs rampant in our once-great country.

As you sift through the ashes of your former abode for the remains of your four pets that passed away in the fire, Mister B. hops you take the time to ruminate on your egregious breach of etiquette. And, in the case that you can scrounge enough money to put another roof over your head, perhaps this lesson will motivate you to pay all fire protection fees promptly in the future.